Cheap Mascara
by garnet thrill
Summary: Cuddy forces Thirteen to wear mascara to a hospital function. Thirteen hates mascara. Eventual femslash. Thirteen/Cuddy. Slight spoilers for the end of Season 4.
1. Smudge

Disclaimer: I own Mr. Stedman, but not anyone else in this fic.  
Warning: Femslash; slight spoilers for the end of Season 4.

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****Thirteen.**

Remy Hadley was desperate to rub her eyes, but she couldn't.

She never wore mascara, but Cuddy had made everyone, even House, come to this function, and apparently, mascara was absolutely necessary at functions where the paparazzi were present and sure to take pictures of you. It seemed that there were a lot of society people who enjoyed going to PPTH events.

"If the paparazzi are going to be there anyway, they might as well get a good picture," Cuddy had said.

Remy had sighed. A tight dress, she could pull off. Pouty lips, not a problem. Walking in the highest heels, not an issue. But mascara was something Remy Hadley hated.

Remy had always taken good pictures without wearing mascara, but seeing as it was Cuddy asking, Remy had obliged. She was, for lack of a better word, besotted with Lisa Cuddy.

_Your boss's boss!_

_As if that stops her from being hot. And smart. And she can sort of make House shut up._

The night before, she'd made a quick drugstore run and bought a tube of the cheapest mascara she could find. A few hours ago, she'd sat in front of her mirror, painstakingly applying it and hoping that just because it was about half the price of all the other similar products, it didn't mean the quality was half as good.

_Hope is stupid._

Now the mascara was clumped all over her eyelashes, and to make matters worse, a paparazzo was coming around to her table—the table where, by some miracle, she was sitting two seats over from Cuddy. Trying to look composed, but not like a boring doctor, she turned away from the camera, fixed her eyes on a point to the right of the photographer's ear, and smiled slightly at the wall, just as everyone else at the table was doing. When the photo was printed in the…wherever they were going to print them, everyone at the table would look like they were having a pleasant conversation with the person across from them. As the flash faded, everyone resumed eating, but Remy excused herself to go to the bathroom. She had to get this friggin' mascara off.

She stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a paper towel, wiping the mascara off her eyelashes, becoming increasingly relieved as the clumpy black stuff came off onto the paper towel. Suddenly, the door opened. Remy's hand slipped slightly, and a black line was smudged down her left cheek. "Shit!" she muttered, sort of wanting whoever it was to feel bad for making her look like a mid-Victorian chimney sweep.

"Dr. Hadley! I'm sorry if I scared you...here, let me help you get that off."

_Oh God._

"Oh, no, Dr. Cuddy, I'm fine. Really." Remy backed away slightly, grabbing another paper towel and wetting it a little, then cleaning off her face. "It's okay." She glanced in the mirror. The smudged mascara had all come off, but her cheeks were reddening, getting pinker and pinker even as she watched.

Cuddy still looked upset. More upset, really, than she should have been. Actually, why had she offered to help clean off Remy's face, anyway? It was a strange offer, even if she felt bad. Remy mentally shook herself. She was reading too much into this. Cuddy was just a nice person. "Well, I'll see you back at the table, then," she said with a polite smile, almost running out of the bathroom. As she opened the door, she almost tripped on her high heels for the first time ever.

**Cuddy.**

_God, she's so cute. Did I just make a total ass of myself?_

Lisa watched as Dr. Hadley stumbled slightly as she left the bathroom. That confirmed her suspicion that the young doctor was drunk. What else could explain her reddened cheeks? A thought nudged at the back of Lisa's mind, but she pushed it away. She didn't act on instinct or gut feeling. She needed hard evidence, whether it was House asking for a radical course of treatment, or her asking herself if she should take the risk of revealing her feelings to Remy Hadley.

Lisa exited the bathroom cautiously, looking towards her table. Dr. Hadley (she had to stop almost calling the other doctor Remy) was having a polite conversation with House—well, as polite as any conversation with him could ever get. She watched the light from the large crystal chandelier on the ceiling reflecting in Dr. Hadley's hair, making it seem like it was spun from gold.

_Quit the clichés._

Leaving her reverie, Lisa walked back to her table, on the verge of starting to mutter to herself as she realized how stupid Dr. Hadley made her feel. On the outside, she was the picture of cool perfection, but profuse sweating and nervous fidgeting would probably represent how she really felt. She took her seat next to House, sighing as she prepared to launch back into a conversation with the stubborn potential donor next to her. She smiled politely at old Mr. Stedman, wondering what obscure conversation topic he would come up with next. He had already spent the better part of the last hour extolling the virtues of Rafaelle Bombelli, who was apparently a mathematician who had discovered an imaginary number. Too bad Dr. Hadley wasn't sitting on Mr. Stedman's other side. At least Lisa would have something to look at while pretending to listen.

However, before Mr. Stedman had even finished his first sentence ("You know, my niece's brother-in-law who lives in Oxford…"), he was interrupted from someone sitting on Cuddy's other side. House.

"Dr. Cuddy!" he said loudly, then dropped his voice to a whisper. "Since I'm feeling very charitable today, can I discuss something with you in confidence? As opposed to yelling it out in front of the whole table to humiliate you, that is, which is what I'd much rather do, but—"

Cuddy cut him off. "Whatever, House. Why don't we go over to the bar?" she sighed, deciding that even House was better than a story about Mr. Stedman's niece's brother-in-law from Oxford.

House ordered a Scotch, while Lisa just leaned against the bar, waiting for him to talk. When he did nothing but stare at the bartender (who looked more like a stripper than a bartender, really…_what is up with that shirt?_), Lisa prompted him. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," House said, acting as if he'd just been jolted out of a fantastic daydream…which he probably had.

"So…?" Lisa was losing her patience.

"When are you gonna boink her?" House finally replied, seeming very annoyed all of a sudden.

A sudden wave of dread washed over her. How did House know? Was that what he'd been talking to Dr. Hadley about? Had she been that obvious? _Who knew that Hadley was such a bitch?_

Playing dumb (and safe), she looked up at him and said, "Her? I don't know who you're talking about."

"Was that an 'I'm-not-a-lesbian-her' or just an 'I'm-pretending-I-don't-know-who-you're-talking-about-her'?"

"Uh…I'm guessing 'I'm-not-a-lesbian' is the safest one here."

"Safe? Aha! So you admit it!" The look of glee on House's face only served to make Lisa even angrier.

"House, my personal life is none of your business. I think I'd rather talk to Mr. Stedman," she hissed. She turned around and marched back to her table. House stayed at the bar. Lisa didn't know it, but he was watching.

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_Concrit would make me very happy! Hint. Hint._

_Ahem.  
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	2. Crosswire

**Warning/disclaimer in the last chapter.

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**Thirteen.**

Cuddy came back from the bar looking livid, like she did after every conversation she had with House. To Remy's surprise, the dean sat in House's seat—next to her. Just as she was about to make a comment about how stupid House was or something, Cuddy leaned in and fired a question at her, _sotto voce_.

"What were you talking about with House just now?"

Remy's eyes widened reflexively. _House told her about the Huntington's? No…I heard him say it would embarrass_ her_. Then why does she care what we were talking about?_

"It's none of your business, Dr. Cuddy," was the best response she could come up with. She added a small smile to show she wasn't trying to be a bitch.

"I have reason to believe it is my business, Dr. Hadley," was the terse reply.

That did it. What House had said about it embarrassing Cuddy didn't make much sense, but Remy's almost-certain death definitely concerned her. _Shit, why the hell did he have to tell her?_

"Dr. Cuddy, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the test result, but Huntington's chorea doesn't progress that quickly. I'm still young. The symptoms haven't really started showing, so I have a good decade or more. I can keep my job, can't I? House said it was all right…" She trailed off as she watched Cuddy's expression transform from one of annoyance and anger to one of confusion, then…_here we go again_…pity.

"Dr. Hadley, _I'm_ sorry. That's not what Dr. House and I were talking about at all…I thought you might have been discussing…never mind. I feel a little idiotic now. Don't worry about the Huntington's; of course you can keep your job. Jeez."

_God, she's so cute when she feels stupid. Even though she feels sorry for me. She's still cute. Aargh, does she have to lean forward like that?_

_Stop looking down her shirt!_

_Okay, eye contact…there we go._

"I can't keep my eyes off of you," Cuddy said abruptly.

**Cuddy.**

_What the fuck did you say that for? Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Aargh!_

As she'd expected, Remy—_Dr. Hadley_'s only reply was, "What?"

Clearing her throat nervously, Lisa clarified, "That's what House and I were talking about. He thought I wanted to have sex with you."

Instead of the laughed-off response Lisa was hoping for, the other doctor blanched and said, very quietly, "Oh."

_Why does she look scared?_

"What an idiot, right? Huh." Lisa hoped she wasn't overacting.

"Yeah," Dr. Hadley replied, twisting her mouth a little bit to show her amusement. She'd stopped looking scared now. She just looked…disappointed.

_No way._

Right then, a familiar-looking cane nudged Cuddy, coming dangerously close to her breasts. "Move over. Your seat's _there_. And here I was, thinking _you_'d designed the seating plan."

Well, she had, which was why Dr. Hadley was even at her table. Taub was there as well, to make it seem like her placement of Hadley wasn't completely obvious. Resigned, Lisa moved back to her seat next to Mr. Stedman, who'd had nothing to do while she'd been talking with House's fellow.

"So, about my niece's brother-in-law from Oxford…"


	3. Without Words

**Disclaimer and warnings in Chapter 1.

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**Thirteen.**

Remy entered Princeton-Plainsboro quickly, keeping her gaze straight forward, aiming to get to the Diagnostics office without any distraction. _Distraction_ being Cuddy, of course. Their conversation at the function the previous night had kept Remy up all night, visualizing scenarios. When she finally managed to fall asleep, she dreamt about Cuddy. She knew that now, in real life, seeing Cuddy would be inevitable as well, but she could at least try and avoid her as much as possible.

Remy also dreaded seeing a certain someone else, but seeing as he was her boss, that was even more inevitable than seeing Cuddy. She opened the glass door to their office, trying to appear as normal as she could.

_Scratch that._

Kutner, Taub and Foreman were nowhere to be seen, while House and Cuddy stood in the middle of the room discussing something animatedly. Remy was a little confused. She'd purposely come to work early, which explained the absence of her colleagues, but what about House? He was never earlier than any of them. Then again, he had new ammunition against Cuddy, so he probably wanted to get to work earlier to torture her (_and me as well_, she mused).

"Woman of the moment!" House called in a sports-announcer voice as he noticed Remy. Cuddy turned around. Remy didn't look her in the eye; that would just end in disaster. She moved to the table to put her things down. As steadily as she could in the presence of Cuddy, she asked, "Do we have a case? I assume that's why Dr. Cuddy's here."

"W—"

"—No, you don't have a case," Cuddy replied, cutting House off. "I was just here so that Dr. House could—"

"—talk her into _having sex with you_," House finished triumphantly.

Remy looked up at him with what she hoped was the right mixture of skepticism and blankness. "Why would you do that?"

**Cuddy.**

"Why would you do that?"

Rem—_Doctor Hadley_—said it while looking at House with a look of complete disbelief, as if having sex with Lisa would be incomprehensibly terrible, even if she were the last person left on earth. It made her want to dig a very deep hole and jump down it, hopefully dying, or at least breaking her spine, in the process.

There was a silence. Then, "Damn it!" If House had been able to, he probably would have started jumping up and down, literally 'hopping mad'. "Jeez, I was so sure. Well, does that mean you want to sleep with me now, Cuddy?"

"Shut up, House," Lisa sighed. She turned wearily and left House's office. _Back to fantasizing_, she thought as she slowly made her way to the elevators. As she entered and turned around to push the button for the ground floor, she realized that Hadley had followed her.

Lisa glanced at her, then directed her gaze to the floor. She heard the other doctor take a deep breath. "You really do only want to be with me, don't you?" she asked.

Lisa looked up and opened her mouth, then closed it, unsure of what to say. _What _does_ anyone say in a situation like this? She could at least give some indication of whether she likes me back. But…she followed me. That's a good sign._

Finally, she nodded jerkily, then bit her lip and looked at the floor again. From the corner of her eye, she saw a smile appear on Hadley's face. She looked up. A wordless message passed between them.

Remy pushed the 'stop' button.

_Yes, Remy._

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Concrit is appreciated :D  
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	4. Name Game

**Disclaimer's in Chapter 1, as always.  
And sorry for the over-a-year-late update, guys. It's been a hectic year (which is no excuse), and this is a short chapter, but I hope it'll tide you over. To any new readers, thanks for stopping by - I sure hope I don't take this long to update in the future!**

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**Thirteen.**

"Oh, God."

Remy wasn't really sure who that came from, one of many moans that escaped from their kissing, licking, fucking paradise. They hadn't been at it for too long, afraid of raising suspicion from being in the elevator for such a long time. Someone was bound to notice that it was stuck between floors—most likely House.

A wave of what felt like electricity passed through Remy when…Cuddy?…Lisa?..._What am I supposed to call her?_...whispered, "We'll save the foreplay for later." She could just imagine the grin that had crossed _whatever-I'm-supposed-to-call-her_'s face when she'd said that, but Remy couldn't really see it because she was preoccupied lower down her boss' boss' body.

She thrust faster and faster until she felt Cuddy (that felt the most natural) contract around her and finally, _finally_, the woman who had been preoccupying her thoughts for so long collapsed into her arms, covered with sweat, panting, smiling. "Remy," she whispered, as if that was the only thought on her mind.

**Cuddy.**

"Remy," she whispered. That was the only word she could think of right now, still coming down from the highest high she'd had in…days? weeks? months?...she wasn't sure.

As her thoughts cleared, it slowly came to her that she was in an elevator in a hospital. The hospital of which she was Dean of Medicine. And she had just been screwed by an employee, both literally and figuratively. Alarmed, she put her clothes back on, hoping all the while that her actions wouldn't be misconstrued by the younger doctor as rejection.

Glancing over, Lisa realized that Remy actually had the same view. Both dressed in under two minutes, and she released the 'stop' button, exhaling slowly. As the doors opened on the ground floor, a crowd was slowly revealed to the two exiting doctors. An elevator maintenance worker was crouched on the ground, trying to pry the doors open, while a gaggle of muttering nurses (did she see Wilson somewhere in there?) looked on. And, of course, House was there.

"Did you have a good time, ladies?" he smirked.

"Being stuck in an elevator isn't ever fun, House. Dr. Cuddy almost had a panic attack in there. Go away," Remy said sharply, retaining her cool exterior. Lisa was finding it more and more natural to call her 'Remy', a fact that she noted with some surprise before moving on to her admiration for Remy's ability to lie so convincingly.

Lisa glanced at House and realized that he wasn't convinced at all. It was time for some damage control.

"House, my office. Now."

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_(Hint: I love reviews.)_


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